Calvin Vs Bart Who Is Brattier?
by AnvilAndy
Summary: Find out what happens when Calvin's family takes a trip to Springfield, the city without a state.


Since my previous C&H Fanfiction has been removed, I had concocted this one almost in response to the crossover with Dennis the Menace ("The G.R.O.S.S. Is Always Greener"). Now, I realize Watterson would never EVER engage his characters in that sort of thing, but, Hey, that's what's cool about fanfics! (Please don't flame me for stating the obvious; I'm just giddy with anticipation is all.)

Standard Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to the characters in either "Calvin & Hobbes" or "The Simpsons". The former are the creations of Bill Watterson and the property of Universal Press Syndicate, while the latter are the creations of Matt Groening and the property of 20th Century Fox Film Corporation and Gracie Films, respectively.

CALVIN VS. BART – WHO IS BRATTIER?

A Crossover Fanfic by Anvil Andy

"Hurry UP, Dad!" a small, familiar, whiny voice yelled out from in back of the car. "I have to use the bathroom!"

"You really should've thought to DO so ten minutes ago, when we passed the local Service Station, Calvin!" exclaimed a bespectacled, dark-haired man up front. "Didn't I tell you not to drink so much water before we left, anyway?"

In the back seat of the car was a blond, spiky-haired boy, decked out in a red T-shirt with black stripes all over, holding a stuffed animal that resembled a tiger. "I honestly don't know how much more I can hold it in! How much further IS it to Springfield, anyway?"

"And why do we have to go there?" the tiger, now somehow having sprung to life, asked rather inquisitively.

"Hobbes wants to know 'Why Springfield?'." The youngster repeated, because, for reasons unknown, this particular stuffed tiger would only be alive in the eyes of the boy known as Calvin, and no one else.

Just then, the mother of the two parents spoke up. "Well, Calvin, in answer to your second question first, it's because your father has to deliver a speech on – and demonstration of - Installation of Safety Devices at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant!"

The thought of visiting a Nuclear Power Plant interested Calvin in ways he'd normally never been interested in before. "Cool! (the screen ripple-dissolves into a fantasy sequence of Calvin dressed in goggles, a futuristic suit, and armed with a ray gun of sorts, visiting a distant planet inhabited by aliens) I can just see it now; Spaceman Spiff battles the evil Space Mutants of Omicron-Persei 5!"

(the scene ripple-dissolves back into Calvin's family's car) "Nice try, Buck Rogers," his Mom sternly warned him, "but there'll BE no 'Spaceman Spiff' on THIS trip, after what Miss Wormwood told us about you 'saving' that frog in her Biology class with a paper clip and rubber band aimed squarely at her!"

"Hey, that was self-defense!" Calvin protested. "Just ask Hobbes!"

"'Hobbes' wasn't there, Calvin!" his Dad exclaimed sarcastically.

"But he's my lawyer and represents me!" Calvin continued.

"Like the time he 'represented' your case to Santa Claus in Christmas of 1990?" the mother asked in a sarcastic manner as well. "Anyway, in response to your first question, not many people know exactly where THIS particular 'Springfield' is located, although, it's been said, if you piece the clues together, you can figure it out!"

"Wow! A mysteriously-located town!" Calvin beamed with excitement. "Will it be inhabited by all sorts of creepy monsters, like the town of Nowhere on Cartoon Network's 'Courage, the Cowardly Dog' show?"

"Only around Halloween, from what I hear," Calvin's Dad sarcastically remarked. "and we're not staying that long!"

"Aw…", Calvin moaned in disappointment.

END CHAPTER 1

TO BE CARTOONUED…

Well, there it is SO far! Hope you like how I'm whetting your appetite for more! Up next: Calvin's Dad stops and asks for directions, and Calvin's family, plus Hobbes, stays over with OFF, the Simpsons! (Again, please don't flame me for stating the obvious!)

Well, here's Chapter 2 – hope you like it!

Chapter 2

As Calvin's Dad attempted to get the triple-A map out of his glove compartment, he was approached by a strange, country bumpkin-type of fellow.

""Scuse me, stranger,", the slack-jawed yokel attempted to ask him, "but what kin I do ya fer?"

"We're looking for a town called Springfield," Calvin's Dad explained. "Are you from around there?"

"Wall, now, " the inbred hick cleared his throat, "that all depends – are yew talkin' 'bout the Springfield in Illinois, or Ohio, or Massachewsits, or – "

"It's the one with the Nuclear Power Plant my Dad's going to give a lecture and presentation at!" Calvin piped up rather enthusiastically.

"Now, Calvin," his Mom sternly instructed him, "I think that's too much information! I doubt he'll know it just from tha – ", but, before she could finish, the redneck pointed eastward.. "Twenty-two miles thataway!" he instructed.

"Thanks, Mister!" Calvin exclaimed, then turned to Hobbes. "And YOU said it was dangerous to stop and ask strangers for directions!"

"Hey, after all those 'Friday the 13th' flicks we rented last Halloween with your Dad's credit card," Hobbes cautiously warned him, "I'd prefer not to take any chances!"

As they left, the hillbilly stranger scratched his head and pointed westward, and asked himself out loud, "Or was it FORTY miles THATaway?"

Meanwhile, just a little ways down that same stretch of road, a familiar pink car was coming up from a vantage point. Its passengers consisted of a balding man with very few hairs, a blue beehive-haired woman, and their three offspring, two pointy-haired girls and a spiky-haired young boy. They were all singing, "She'll Be Comin' 'Round The Mountain" when, suddenly, another voice piped in with "Ev'Rybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting". This disturbed the father of the family, so he went to investigate.

Up by the front seat sat a gecko making Kung-Fu moves. The man picked up the strange lizard and tossed it out the window.

"Dad, NO!" the spiky-haired boy objected. "That was to be my Show-and-Tell Project for Mrs. Krabappel's class!"

"I'll Show-and-Tell Project YOU, you little…" the father threatened his son, strangling him all the while.

Just then, one of the two pointy-haired girls spoke up. "Dad, I admit it's wrong to keep live reptiles in the car, but, as far as Show-and-Tell Projects go, Bart made a real FIND there! How many OTHER geckoes do you know who can sing 'Kung-Fu Fighting' and do all the moves at the same time?"

"Sorry, Lisa," the mother of the two parents began. "It's just that, well, your Father has had some unpleasant experiences with singing reptiles at least once in his life, ever since he lost to that frog who sang 'Hello, My Baby' on Ed McMahon's 'Star Search'."

As if on cue, the webcam did a close-up of the father sobbing, then did a ripple-dissolve, as if to indicate a flashback. Suddenly, the scene changed to the set of "Star Search", where the man, now with a full head of lustrous brown hair, is standing on-stage next to Warner Brothers cartoon star Michigan J. Frog. Off-screen, Mr. McMahon's voice could be heard saying, "And the winner of our song-and-dance competition is…

Michigan J. Frog – Five Stars!"

"WHAT? I lost to a FROG?" Suddenly, he picked up the toad, strangling him, all the while saying, 'Why, you little…!'" just as he'd done with his son, Bart.

As the screen ripple-dissolved back to the present, the father bemoaned, "It took several S.W.A.T. team members to hold me back!" He continued sobbing.

"Oh, there, there, Homie!" the mother tried consoling him.

Right at about this exact same time, Calvin's family had been traveling around in circles in their car. "All right," the mother said in a voice of authority. "Isn't it about time you swallowed your pride and admitted you'd gotten us lost?"

"I'm NOT lost!" the father shouted in denial. "There are just SO MANY directional signs pinpointing where Springfield is that it's hard to keep track, that's all!"

"Translation: We're lost," Calvin whispered to Hobbes, and the two began laughing uproariously.

"Keep it DOWN there, Calvin!" his Dad warned for about the one billionth time. "If you think YOU can do better at finding Springfield, why don't YOU navigate for awhile?"

"Don't encourage him, Dear!" the mother advised. "Remember LAST time when he helped 'navigate' you to the local Ice Cream Parlor?"

"Hey, that was a short-cut!" Calvin protested.

"To the DENTIST'S office?" his Mom reminded him.

Just then, the familiar pink car pulled up.

"Oh, Homie, be careful!" the mother protested. "You almost hit that red car!"

"Relax, Marge," the father reassured her. "There aren't any cops for miles!"

"That's not the poi – " but, before Marge could finish, she was distracted by exactly WHO was in the red car – Calvin's family, plus Hobbes!

"Oh, Homie, LOOK, it's that boy with the stuffed tiger from that comic strip you used to read all the time!"

"Couldn't be, Marge; must be a figment of your imagination!"

The father insisted.

Coincidentally, in the red car, Calvin recognized the family in the pink one as well. "Hey, Hobbes, check it OUT!" he screamed to his stuffed tiger. "It's that dysfunctional cartoon family Mom and Dad won't let us watch on Fox, the Simpsons!"

"Are you SURE you're not pulling my leg?" Hobbes asked suspiciously.

"No, seriously, LOOK!" Calvin pointed out to him. "They've got yellow skin! And there's Bart, and his dorky sister Lisa, and baby Maggie, and up front is Marge, and… at the wheel, it's Homer!"

Hobbes rubbed his eyes in disbelief. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "Do you think they could get me an autographed photo of Snowball II for my collection? Rowr-rowr!"

"Watch that kind of talk, Hobbes!" Calvin sternly warned him. "Remember, you have your reputation as President and First Tiger of our Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club to uphold!"

"Sor-REE, Your Majesty!" Hobbes sarcastically responded.

"Mom, can you get me Bart Simpson's autograph to add to my collection?" Calvin asked her with unbridled enthusiasm.

"I'm sorry to burst your bubble, honey," his mother dissuaded him, "but I don't think that family in the car next to us are 'The Simpsons'." she stated, making air-quotes on "The Simpsons". "Whoever they are, though, we should stop and ask them the way!"

As the door swung open, however, Bart introduced himself to Calvin's family in what may very well be his usual manner. "Yo, dudes, I'm Bart Simpson, who the Hell are YOU?"

"BART!" Marge snapped at him. "Watch your language!"

"Are you SURE they're not THE Simpsons?" Calvin asked his Mom again. "Because I swear that one kid just introduced himself as Bart – AND he said a swear!"

"Whatever," she said, dismissively rolling her eyes. "Fact is, I'm sure there's more than ONE 'Bart Simpson' in this world! And kids do a lot of swearing these days!"

Calvin's father got out of the car first and asked Homer, "Excuse us, sir, could you tell us where Springfield is?"

"Well, to be honest, even I'M not sure where it's located!" Homer confessed. "But we just happen to be heading there! Why don't you follow us?"

At about this time, Calvin's Dad recognized Homer's voice. "Wait a minute, I think I KNOW you; you're the Nuclear Power Plant Employee whose sector I'm to give the Safety Demonstration in! I remember your voice from the phone call I received yesterday!"

"Oh, yeah… and you must be Grimey!" Homer exclaimed, mistaking him for his late co-worker, Frank Grimes. "Haven't seen you in ages! What'd you DO, get a haircut? Lose weight? What? I'm DYING to know!"

"Dad, Frank Grimes died after you drove him to insanity, remember?" Lisa tried in vain to remind him. "I think that's a Patent Attorney!"

"A Patent Attorney, Eh?" Homer replied, pensively rubbing his chin. "Good Ol' Grimey! I KNEW you'd make a name for yourself ONE of these days!"

"Sir, my name is – " Calvin's father began, only to be rudely cut off by Homer.

"Up-Bup-Bup!" Homer exclaimed. "The thing is, you're trying to find Springfield, and I can help in THAT department!"

"Oh, good. Do you know of a good hotel where we can spend the night?" Calvin's Dad asked rather inquisitively.

"Hotel?" Homer asked, sounding rather shocked. "That's crazy talk! Why don't you stay at OUR place?"

"YOUR place? What would the neighbors think?"

"We ARE the neighbors!" Lisa informed Calvin's Dad. "And we DON'T think!"

"Well… Okay," he shrugged.

So, for hours on end, Calvin's family and Hobbes followed the Simpsons through open sewer pipes, a stop at Moe's Tavern, a stop at the local Pool Hall, a "short-cut" through the Mayor's office, and a "detour" through Ned Flanders' flower bed.

"Let us never speak of a short-cut again!" Homer vowed, pushing daisies out of the front seat.

As both families settled down after bathing themselves to wash off the stink from the sewers, Homer gave the grand tour of the house.

"You can sleep on this couch!" Homer said politely. "It folds out into a bed!"

But Homer, try as he might, could not pull a bed out from under the couch. He struggled in vain, only to tear it apart, and then, suddenly realized, "Oh, wait, that was the OLD couch!"

Calvin's Mom sighed, "Never mind, we'll sleep in the attic!" She then turned to Calvin. "Calvin, you can sleep with Bart!"

"Oh, boy!" Calvin excitedly exclaimed. "I'll bet I can beat you in a pillow fight!"

"Um… about that," Bart began clearing his throat, "After what happened at my last sleep-over at Milhouse's, I'm… not allowed to have any more pillow fights!"

"Why, what happened?" Calvin asked. (At this point, there is a cutaway to Dr. Hibbert's office, where Milhouse is shown with an X-ray of a pillow in his stomach! "Nurse," Hibbert orders, "cancel my 3 O'clock!")

Just then, Lisa noticed Hobbes in Calvin's hand. "Ooooooooooohhh, you have a stuffed tiger! Can Maggie sleep with it tonight?"

"What, are you CRAZY?" Calvin objected. "Sorry, but Hobbes and I have very strong Anti-Girl issues! Besides, with her being a baby, she's liable to rip him to shreds! Sorry, kid," he said to Maggie. "Out of the question!"

Just then, Maggie began to cry.

"Oh, for…" Calvin said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, come ON, Calvin!" Marge insisted. "Let Maggie sleep with your tiger tonight! I'll repair whatever damage she causes in the morning!"

"Well, Okay!" Calvin hesitantly gave in. "But first thing tomorrow, I'm checking him for cooties! Hey, Bart, you got any cool toys I can sleep with tonight?"

"Sure, but it'll cost ya!" Bart snickered.

"BART!" Marge snapped at him.

"What?" Bart asked quizzically.

END CHAPTER 2

TO BE CARTOONUED…

Up next: Calvin and Bart get into all sorts of mischief at Springfield Elementary! Sneaky goings-on at the Nuclear Plant! All this and more! I kid you NOT, you'll be in for a TREAT!

I had some free time today, so I managed to bat out Chapter 3 – hope you enjoy it!

Chapter 3

"BREAKFAST!" Marge called to everyone in the house bright and early the next morning. This naturally created quite a sensational stir in the Simpson household.

In Bart's room, as Calvin nudged Bart awake, Calvin said, "C'mon, Bart! Last one downstairs is a rotten egg!"

"Yeah, well," Bart replied in his usual sarcastic manner, "first one downstairs gets to EAT one!"

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" commented Calvin, but in a GOOD way.

As usual, Homer was the first one downstairs to the kitchen, and he attempted to scarf down his bacon and eggs until Marge scolded him, "HOMER! Please wait for our guests and the children!"

Before Calvin joined the rest of his family and the Simpsons, he went to check up on how Hobbes fared with Maggie the previous night.

"Maggie," Calvin began to ask, "could you be a doll and let me see how Hobbes is?"

She almost hesitated to do so, but, remembering how her Father's boss, Charles Montgomery "Monty" Burns pined for his precious Teddy Bear, Bobo, she gave in.

Calvin gave Hobbes a thorough inspection. "Hmmmm, no lipstick marks, no drool, no tears or scars – OK, you're clean! C'mon, let's join Bart's family for Breakfast!"

Bart got to the table before Calvin, and, as such, he taunted him: "Ha-ha! You get to be the rotten egg!"

"Yeah, well," Calvin replied back, "YOU get to EAT one!"

"Touche, Cal, m'man!" Bart exclaimed, as he gave both him and Hobbes a High-Five.

"I don't want any of you to even THINK of eating anything so revolting!" Marge snapped at the boys. "Just eat your Frosted Krusty Flakes and hurry! You're going to be late for school!"

"Here y'go, Cal," said Bart, pouring him a bowl. "Knock yourself out!"

"No, thanks," Calvin responded. "I prefer the tasty, lip-smacking, crunchy-on-the-outside, chewy-on-the-inside taste of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs!"

"Calvin," his Mom ordered, "just eat what you have here, OK?"

"Well, I suppose it beats the Heck out of having to eat your Tuna Casserole!"

"CALVIN!" Hobbes scolded him. "I won't sit here and listen to you bad-mouth your Mom's World-Famous Tuna Casserole!" He rubbed his furry tummy and said, "Mm-mm, it's to DIE for!"

"I don't get it, Calvin," his Mom began, quizzically. "First you deride my Tuna Casserole, and THEN you say it's to DIE for!"

"That last part was Hobbes, Mom, not me," Calvin did his best to explain.

"Whatever," she said, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, YOU'D better hurry up and be ready for school, too!"

"SCHOOL?" Calvin asked in an enraged tone of voice. "I thought we were on VACATION!"

"Your Father's Business Trip doesn't always count as a Vacation, Young Man!" Mom scolded him. "Now, brush your teeth and put on your best clothes, or you'll miss the bus!"

Calvin and Bart both moaned, each with a March-to-the-Gallows look that could only be shared by Jason Fox, the computer-whiz kid of "FoxTrot" (whose family doesn't even so much as put in a single remote appearance here, except in Homer's newspaper's comics section as he is heard to comment, "Look at that Dad in 'FoxTrot'; he's like an unfunny, skinnier version of me!").

"Oh, Boy!" Lisa exclaimed in her usual enthusiastic way. "Another school day! We'll be learning new things, and making new friends, and…" But, before she could finish, Calvin and Bart both stared at her suspiciously.

"What's the matter with YOU two?" she asked them.

"Your bangs do a good job of covering up the lobotomy stitches!" Calvin retorted.

"I was just gonna SAY, what planet are YOU from?" Bart added as both he and Calvin started brushing their teeth.

"MOM!" Lisa yelled to Marge. "Calvin and Bart are teasing me about the Value of a Decent Education!"

"That's nice, dear!" Marge exclaimed as she dressed Homer for work.

Calvin's Dad walked into their bedroom and just noticed this peculiar sort of behavior. "Mr. Simpson, do you ALWAYS have your wife dress for you?"

"I dunno, I guess!" Homer answered in an unsure tone of voice. "Or, maybe one of her friends!"

"Well, I must say, I certainly find this unusual!" Calvin's Dad remarked. "Anyway, hurry up and get into your car so we can get to work on time!"

"WORK?" Homer moaned.

Bart slid down the staircase, making an unusually perfect three-point landing, whereas Calvin trudged wearily down the stairs. Just then, a horn honk was heard from outside the front door. Marge handed Bart a Krusty the Clown lunchbox and Lisa a Happy Little Elves lunchbox, while Calvin's Mom presented him a Captain Napalm lunchbox. The two mothers hugged their children goodbye, and the kids made their way towards their seats on the bus bound for Springfield Elementary.

Calvin had a mischievous twinkle in his eye. (At this point, the screen ripple-dissolves to a scene of Calvin in his Spaceman Spiff persona and outfit, chained to the back seat of an Alien Spaceship.)

"Spaceman Spiff, Fearless Explorer of the Unknown, is being held captive by sinister Zakbar aliens from Solar System X-15, whose one goal is to force all Earthlings to work in the deep recesses of the Zakbar Saliva Mines!" Calvin narrated out loud whilst in his fantasy state.

Meanwhile, back on the bus, in the real world, Bart nudged Lisa and asked her, about Calvin's state of self-narrative, "Psst, Hey, Leese! You notice something unusual about Cal back there?"

"No, what?" Lisa asked in a state of little or no concern as her eyes rolled, half-closed.

"I think he must be schizo; he's talkin' to himself!"

At that point, Calvin reached out for Lisa and said, still self-narrating, "His only chance for escape is to take their sinister Queen hostage!"

Lisa screamed, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

And the bus skid to a halt.

"Nobody move!" Calvin exclaimed in a defiant tone of voice. "If you even so much as THINK of attacking me, you'll have to go through your QUEEN first!"

"Hey, Man, that's my SISTER!" Bart objected. "Mess with HER, and you mess with ME!"

Calvin couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"YOU like a GIRL?" he asked, stunned and shocked.

"Well, not NORMALLY; I don't even like HER, but, she's FAMILY, man!"

"Oh, for…" Calvin said, rolling his eyes in disgust.

"Thanks, Bart!" Lisa said with a kiss.

"Anytime, Leese," Bart responded back . "Without YOU, who would I have to sponge comic-book money off of, besides Homer and Milhouse?"

Lisa murmured in disgust, sounding not unlike her mother.

Meanwhile, on their way to the Nuclear Power Plant, Homer and Calvin's Dad stopped off for Breakfast to go at a local Krusty Burger restaurant.

Calvin's Dad got out his cell-phone and asked Homer, "Mr. Simpson, didn't you ALREADY have Breakfast before we left? This is going to make us incredibly late!"

"Oh, that was just a warm-up Breakfast!" answered Homer. "My REAL Breakfast always gets me through the day here!"

Homer pulled up his car to the Drive-Thru speaker and placed his order: "One Krusty Bagelwich with Extra Cheese, one Krusty Fun-Size Pancake with Extra-Gooey Dipping Sauce, one box of Party-Size Doughnuts, assorted flavors, preferably, one Mega-Size Coffee, and one Jumbo-Size Orange Juice to go, please!"

Calvin's Dad was impatiently tapping his fingers and rolling his eyes angrily behind Homer.

"Oh, and the gentleman behind me will have one Krusty-Size Kroissanwich with fries and a Coke!" Homer concluded, misinterpreting Calvin's Dad completely, thus causing him to smack his face in disgust.

At Springfield Elementary, Bart's 4th-Grade Teacher, Mrs. Edna Krabbappel, was calling the roll.

"Martin Prince!" was the first name she called out.

"Here, Mrs. Krabbappel!" he eagerly shouted.

"Nelson Muntz!"

Coincidentally, Nelson was beating up on Milhouse, but dropped him in time to answer the roll. "Here, Mrs. K., as if that matters for anything!"

Milhouse picked himself up, dusted himself off, and tried to regain consciousness from Nelson's beatings and being dropped at the same time as he made his way to his desk.

"Milhouse van Houten!"

No answer. Milhouse was still feeling groggy.

"MILHOUSE!" Mrs. Krabbappel snapped at him. "Are you HERE?"

He could only answer in a dazed, confused manner: "No, Ma'am, I am neither Here NOR There!"

Mrs. Krabbappel rolled her eyes in disgust.

"At least he admits he's not all there! Ha-Ha!" taunted Nelson, as his latest victim fainted from exhaustion.

Mrs. Krabbappel was about to call Bart next, but, suddenly, a strange, bodily-function-like noise somehow emerged from her seat. She went up to see what caused it, and found a Celebrity Microphone Radio Receiver.

"Mrs. Krabbappel," Bart scolded her, "That was SO uncalled for!"

Bart made the noise through his Celebrity Microphone, and everyone else laughed at and applauded his performance.

At that point, she didn't even bother to call Bart; instead, she made hr way towards Calvin's desk.

"All right, the boy whose parents are in town just for today – Calvin!"

No answer. Calvin was in his usual dreamlike trance.

"CALVIN!" Mrs. Krabbappel snapped at him.

Still no answer. Just then, the screen ripple-dissolved to show Calvin, as Spaceman Spiff, chained to a post and being whipped at by an overgrown alien with sunglasses, a hat, and a tattoo of the word "MOM" on his right arm. "Spiff" was seen working a pick-axe in a mine.

He began self-narrating again. "Spaceman Spiff, Bold And Daring Adventurer of the Cosmos, has been taken prisoner by the hideous Zakbar Aliens of Solar System X-15! Forced to work in their Saliva Mines, our hero hatches a plan for escape!"

Spiff whipped out his Atomic Napalm Neutralizer ray gun, and aimed it at the Labor Camp Officer. "YAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHH! All right, you hideously deformed cretins! Nobody move! I'm outta here!"

The screen ripple-dissolved back to Mrs. Krabbappel's class, where Calvin was attempting to aim a paper clip with a rubber band square at her, but she confiscated both and sent him to Principal Skinner's office.

Bart was actually horribly embarrassed by all of this

Meanwhile, at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, Calvin's Dad was busy preparing his slide presentation when Waylon Smithers, Jr., approached the podium and began his morning announcement.

"And now," Smithers Jr. said, clearing his throat, "here with a lecture on ways our Plant can be brought up to code is Mr. –" but, before he could finish, he was distracted by a series of underarm noises. Judging from past experience, however, he didn't have to look too far and wide to pinpoint the source of the noise; it was emanating from within Homer Simpson's own arms.

"SIMPSON!" Smithers, Jr. shouted. "Please pay close attention! I don't want to have to report you to Mr. Burns!"

"Yes, sir, Mr. Smithers!" Homer moaned, lowering his head in shame. "I don't want any trouble!"

Meanwhile, back at Springfield Elementary, Calvin had joined Bart at the School Cafeteria in the lunch line.

"Man, I didn't think Skinner would EVER let you out of Detention!" Bart surprisingly exclaimed.

"Yeah, can you BELIEVE that totalitarian old toad?" Calvin jeered. "He made me write 'I will do my Space Cadet fantasies on my OWN time' 100 times! Honestly, Bart, I don't see how you DO that every week!"

"Oh, Boo-Hoo!" Bart sarcastically replied. "After all the times I'VE done it, MY wrist sounds like a cement mixer!" (So saying, he turned his wrist in a circle, and, sure enough, it did indeed make that noise!)

Calvin took his lunch tray to his and Bart's table and, as he sat down, he began describing it. "Well, look what we have here," he said pseudo-intelligently. "It appears to be cigarette butts covered in some sort of gallstone sauce!"

"That's Beanie-Wienies, man!" Bart corrected him. "Try to show some dignity!"

"Really?" Calvin asked, sounding disgusted. "Beanie-Wienies? Oh, how gross!"

Just then, Bart's classmate, Milhouse, sat down just across from both Bart and Calvin.

"Hey, Cal," Bart said in a daring tone of voice. "I'll bet you I can get Milhouse to laugh milk out his nose!"

"I'll go you one better!" Calvin exclaimed triumphantly.

"How so?" Bart asked inquisitively.

Calvin stuck a couple of straws up Milhouse's nostrils. "I'll bet you I can get him to inhale milk INTO his nose while he laughs!"

"I'm outta here, man!" Bart said, picking up his lunch.

"I'm guessing it will squirt out his ears," Calvin said, trying to coax Bart to stay. "Don't you want to see?"

At this point, however, Milhouse keeled over and began to scream, "HELP! HELP! I CAN'T BREATHE!" Luckily for him, however, the School Nurse, a/k/a Lunch Lady Doris, happened to have a First-Aid Kit on hand.

"Wait a minute!" Calvin demanded to know from Bart. "The school nurse is ALSO the Cafeteria Chef? How come?"

"She gets two paychecks that way!" Bart explained casually.

"I have to say, Bart, your school is kind'a creeping me out!"

"Oh, that's the usual reaction we get from out-of-towners!"

Back at the Nuclear Power Plant, Calvin's Dad was doing his best to give the slide presentation, despite Homer's negligence, but soon found that to be a somewhat daunting task.

"And, as you can plainly see," Calvin's father tried patiently to explain, "with a few minor adjustments, your Console Models can react to even the slightest single meltdown – " but his demonstration was hastily interrupted by Homer doing hand-shadows of bunnies dancing to "Swan Lake".

"Hee-hee-hee, look at 'em dance!" he childishly chuckled.

"Mr. Simpson, what on EARTH are you DOING?" Calvin's Dad snapped at him.

"Sorry," Homer grinned apologetically, "but, usually, when I'm bored with slide shows or movies, I make up my own movies!"

"Well, stop it!" Calvin's father protested. "You're about as bad as my son, Calvin!"

"Oh, yeah, that spiky-haired little wiener; don't get me started on HIM!"

"Mr. Simpson – "

"That snot-nosed little punk, how I'd like to mop up the floor with him for all those – those THINGS that he's done!"

"Mr. Simpson!" Calvin's Dad exclaimed rather angrily. "You're embarrassing me in front of everyone! Don't you even remotely CARE about Safety here at the Plant?"

"Well, I AM the Safety Inspector here!" he snapped back. "So, show a little more RESPECT for me, Mr. Smart Guy!"

Calvin's father smacked his face in disgust and rolled his eyes once more.

"That man," he pointed out Homer to Smithers, Jr., "is in charge of our safety?"

"I admit it seems far-fetched, sir," he replied. "I'll go report him to Mr. Burns!"

Moments later, in Homer's office, his fellow barflies/nuclear technicians, Lenny and Carl, gathered around Homer's workstation to discuss the details of today's lecture.

"Hey, Homer," Lenny began, "I hear you got in bad with the patent attorney guy, and now Mr. Smithers is gonna report ya ta Mr. Burns!"

"Yeah, tough break there!" Carl added.

"Oh, it's no big deal, guys," Homer tried reassuring them. "I'll probably just get the old slap on the wrist!"

However, the following P.A. Announcement was even less reassuring: "The following employees have been laid off due to gross negligence in no particular order: Simpson, Homer. (slight pause) That is all."

"D'OH!" Homer exclaimed.

Ah, but if only Mr. Simpson had known, as he was being canned, at that exact same moment, two sinister-looking figures were meeting outside in an alleyway just behind the Plant…

…one showed the other a signed contractual agreement…

…their eyes met…

…and they shook hands and parted ways. The second gentleman to depart was seen smoking a cigarette and flicking it to the ground, stomping out the fire, then laughing a most sinister laugh.

And so, the questions remain: just who ARE these men, what are they UP to, and how does it tie in to Homer getting the Axe?

END CHAPTER 3

TO BE CARTOONUED…

Well, that's it for now! Next time I get the chance: Calvin and Hobbes induct Bart into the Get Rid Of Slimy girls club; Calvin, a/k/a Stupendous Man, with Hobbes in tow, joins forces with Bart in his Bartman role to investigate the mysterious goings-on at the Nuclear Power Plant; all this, plus a special surprise guest as I hopefully conclude "Calvin Vs. Bart: Who Is Brattier?" NEXT TIME AROUND!:)


End file.
